[HMMMMMMMYEAH]

heyyo~ been a while. not much to say.
15 x Thirteen is still for sale, sooo check that out if you haven't already. there's 14 other artists in it besides myself, and every one of them is worth a look.

ummmmm here's what little i have to show for anything recently. in crappy photos.

first, emri dying or something in front of the nywborn flag. second him getting bitten by the water god when he realizes that something's gone wrong when aba dived down into the lake, so he dives after. the water god doesn't take too kindly to that.


theeen filli being executed via starvation tied to tree [ropes still to be drawwwwnn] and then a doodle from july i forgot existed until recently. though i like it a lot >____>

[HNNNNN TRYING SO HARD]

okay. so i'm trying to be a good girl and TRY and take a break from starting more serious artwork for a while. it's really difficult, but i've done pretty good so far-- been working on the chibi pin-up calendar and only doing anything serious if it's something well on its way already; images done enough that the remaining work is mindless and won't stress me out.

SOOOOO i'm going to post what little i made progress on last month before this hiatus. what very little.

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this is a sketch i did of someone else's characters quite a while ago-- just recently scanned it.

[looking for help]

i'm afraid that the art problems i mentioned a while back have just gotten worse. every issue has remained, and grown all the more intense. as well as new problems.
it's gotten to the point the only thing which remains in me artistically is the raw desire to make art, artistic drive. i don't even find inspiration anymore. nothing interests me anymore, and ideas that excited and engaged me not long ago don't anymore. i still see art other people do that i wish i had done, things that i love. but when i sit down to work on something myself, nothing's there.

i have this sheet of scribbly thumbs that coey did for me, things that she would like to see me do, that she gave to me for possible ideas. i liked them all, and there were a handful that i was so thrilled to do, i couldn't wait to get to. now none of them hold my interest. neither do any of the ideas i wrote and drew thumbs for myself a while back.

i feel like all the feeling of my art has been drained. while i still long to draw and work-- GOD, fucking god, do i ever want to work again-- my inspiration's dead and i don't feel passionate about anything i work on anymore. i've been working on a particular thing for a couple weeks now, and while it's up to par skill-wise, and an idea that i did, and still do to a great deal, like, i felt nothing while doing it. it felt almost more like i was drawing it out of habit, or assignment that out of passion for art.
so that's what i mean by all that remains is the raw desire to make art. i want to. art is one of the biggest things in my life and one of the most precious parts to me. i still have that drive to draw. but that's all i've had for a while now.

i'm terrified.
because this has been going on for so long, it literally feels like the end of my art. as if i had a set amount of artistic juju to spend in my life and i ran out not long ago. pretty much everything i've completed in the last 3 months was something i started before this whole shit-storm. and the few exceptions to that are things that i don't really have much of a care for. i don't want to loose art. i don't want to give it up. but i feel like i'm just driving myself mad by trying so hard, spending what isn't there anymore. but i have to try, because i will go mad without working on art. it's as much of me as any other base faculty.
i just don't know which is worse, going crazy from frustration and heart break or from lack of artistic fulfillment in my life.

i've been depressed enough before to know that feeling of loosing care about life, and having to wind myself up just to do the most basic of things. how everything feels heavy when life's like that. even the most unimportant moment feels like an anvil in your gut. i've been starting to feel this way a lot the last couple months. just numb, blank and heavy. the only thing that's kept me from real depression again is coey. she's the only thing that keeps it in check. and i'm so grateful for her, and all she does for me; even the tiniest things. but i don't want to keep making her deal with this. and i don't want to remain like this. i want to regain what i once had. i want the passion and to love art, and feel the art that i'm doing again. it's the only thing missing in my life, and i lost it somehow.
if i knew how to get it back, i'd work myself to death to regain it. lacking effort or will's not the issue. i'm just lost as to what to do.

please, i don't want sympathy. i appreciate it, i really do, but it's the reason that until this 'art funk' i rarely posted anything so detailed about my personal problems. please don't complement me, or try to comfort that i'm 'so talented and i will get through this'. again, i'm grateful, but that's not what i need, or what would be good for me now.
what i'm writing this for, this time, is for help. for anything at all. i've long since exhausted all others i could turn to, and i don't want to keep pulling from and burdening them. i know that most suggestions i get will be things i've already tried multiple times, but i'm just at a complete loss. art is such a massive part of myself and my life. if i can't make art, then i've lost one of the few things that i felt purpose for in my life.

WHO'S TOTALLY UNPRODUCTIVE?!

SHY IS :D



YEAH, YEAH, WHAT, WHAT~

[dejection alert-- read at own will]

i haven't been able to get out of a particularly bad art funk for almost 4 months now.
it's gotten to the point that [artistically] i don't know who i am anymore. i feel like i've become severed from all skill i had, and even the most basic things-- things that normally i don't even have to think about because they've become so ingrained-- pose a massive obstacle. like i've become detached from that part of myself that knows how to draw.

i can't tell what i'm looking at most of the time. i'll draw something, and some part will look wrong to me, but another looks right. so i fix the bit that looks wrong only to have coey tell me that i "fixed" what she thought looked good into something wrong, and kept the part that looked off from the get-go. and after putting these things away for a while and getting them out again the next day, she's right; what looked right to me at the time was completely off.

down to the basic way i work. nothing feels natural. can't function the way i used to. i used to rarely think about line weight, and the flow of things. they just came without notice. now i can't seem to obtain it even with great effort.

to the extent, i look at things i've done and feel like they aren't mine at all. that i didn't draw them. i'm that far removed from myself. disconnected from that part of me.
i'll look through sketchbooks and wonder 'how did i do this? did i do this?', then go through my current one and all it holds is mediocre bullshit. forced and uninspired. unexciting. flat.

i don't feel like i should be doing anything but working. shouldn't sleep, eat, play games, take a piss. just sit here and work. until i get it all back, until i'm better.

it's starting to feel like beating a dead horse. i've been making myself work regardless of discouragement and depression over art. taking advice from people i trust. redrawing old illustrations that still have good ideas, though the drawing skill's far behind what i can do now. i've taken requests from coey and other friends, even as far as to take thumbs from them and make full drawings off the thumbs.
even been taking breaks, don't draw for days. or all i'll do is little doodles/chibi-stickers that don't take much thought or effort. and don't amount to shit.

the point being, i don't know when i'll be posting again. i'm sure i will, return to normal. or at least i hope. i'll never stop drawing. couldn't if i wanted to. but i don't know if i will ever have anything worth sharing again. even things i've been working on for a while and have some fondness for.

KAY.
sketch junk from july.
i had a few others, but the camera said no.

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I HAVE SOME SKETCHES COMING UP SOON
i swear.

[hmm]

[shy shouldn't touch colour :D]

hmmmm so. the balance of the red. it's a bit overwhelming the main focus, but when i tried to put a little bit of red behind the figures [striped pillows n such] it got really cluttered and hard to read x.x suggestions?



ps-- the drawing isn't done either, there's still a few things to finish like the foot and arm, etc.

[I'M LATE D:]

not much to show, BUT--


uhhhhh. yup. co wanted a pic of old king emri in his coffin. uuummmm yup. totally doesn't look like a dignified farmer.
yeah, that one needs some work.



BAD SCAN AWESOME :D
i like her hair. and neck-chest area. that jawline tho-- will fix.
and scan better >_____>



"SMOKER--" [puff sound of zoey killing it for me as it drags my black ass off into the distance]
hmmmmmm might finish this? we'lll seeeeee

i'll put more later. right now i'm bored :D
as always, better stuff at shysuiko-NET.

[i has stuff]

so, i do have a few things that i've been meaning to put up here for a while now, just been lazy bout it. iiiii'llz be doing that tonight. souls is coming over here soon so i'll be busy entertaining and shooting up stuff on left4dead. and by shooting up i mean both zombies and feeding my pillz addiction. HAHA JOKE-- gf get out of my head.

uhhhh, yeah.

hah--

i suppose i made this, so i should actually use it.

more fig work i'd like to make into some form of final.


obscure part of a full illust i like... a lot.


early stages of a long and painful pic.