[dejection alert-- read at own will]

i haven't been able to get out of a particularly bad art funk for almost 4 months now.
it's gotten to the point that [artistically] i don't know who i am anymore. i feel like i've become severed from all skill i had, and even the most basic things-- things that normally i don't even have to think about because they've become so ingrained-- pose a massive obstacle. like i've become detached from that part of myself that knows how to draw.

i can't tell what i'm looking at most of the time. i'll draw something, and some part will look wrong to me, but another looks right. so i fix the bit that looks wrong only to have coey tell me that i "fixed" what she thought looked good into something wrong, and kept the part that looked off from the get-go. and after putting these things away for a while and getting them out again the next day, she's right; what looked right to me at the time was completely off.

down to the basic way i work. nothing feels natural. can't function the way i used to. i used to rarely think about line weight, and the flow of things. they just came without notice. now i can't seem to obtain it even with great effort.

to the extent, i look at things i've done and feel like they aren't mine at all. that i didn't draw them. i'm that far removed from myself. disconnected from that part of me.
i'll look through sketchbooks and wonder 'how did i do this? did i do this?', then go through my current one and all it holds is mediocre bullshit. forced and uninspired. unexciting. flat.

i don't feel like i should be doing anything but working. shouldn't sleep, eat, play games, take a piss. just sit here and work. until i get it all back, until i'm better.

it's starting to feel like beating a dead horse. i've been making myself work regardless of discouragement and depression over art. taking advice from people i trust. redrawing old illustrations that still have good ideas, though the drawing skill's far behind what i can do now. i've taken requests from coey and other friends, even as far as to take thumbs from them and make full drawings off the thumbs.
even been taking breaks, don't draw for days. or all i'll do is little doodles/chibi-stickers that don't take much thought or effort. and don't amount to shit.

the point being, i don't know when i'll be posting again. i'm sure i will, return to normal. or at least i hope. i'll never stop drawing. couldn't if i wanted to. but i don't know if i will ever have anything worth sharing again. even things i've been working on for a while and have some fondness for.


sketch junk from july.
i had a few others, but the camera said no.