i'm afraid that the art problems i mentioned a while back have just gotten worse. every issue has remained, and grown all the more intense. as well as new problems.
it's gotten to the point the only thing which remains in me artistically is the raw desire to make art, artistic drive. i don't even find inspiration anymore. nothing interests me anymore, and ideas that excited and engaged me not long ago don't anymore. i still see art other people do that i wish i had done, things that i love. but when i sit down to work on something myself, nothing's there.
i have this sheet of scribbly thumbs that coey did for me, things that she would like to see me do, that she gave to me for possible ideas. i liked them all, and there were a handful that i was so thrilled to do, i couldn't wait to get to. now none of them hold my interest. neither do any of the ideas i wrote and drew thumbs for myself a while back.
i feel like all the feeling of my art has been drained. while i still long to draw and work-- GOD, fucking god, do i ever want to work again-- my inspiration's dead and i don't feel passionate about anything i work on anymore. i've been working on a particular thing for a couple weeks now, and while it's up to par skill-wise, and an idea that i did, and still do to a great deal, like, i felt nothing while doing it. it felt almost more like i was drawing it out of habit, or assignment that out of passion for art.
so that's what i mean by all that remains is the raw desire to make art. i want to. art is one of the biggest things in my life and one of the most precious parts to me. i still have that drive to draw. but that's all i've had for a while now.
i'm terrified.
because this has been going on for so long, it literally feels like the end of my art. as if i had a set amount of artistic juju to spend in my life and i ran out not long ago. pretty much everything i've completed in the last 3 months was something i started before this whole shit-storm. and the few exceptions to that are things that i don't really have much of a care for. i don't want to loose art. i don't want to give it up. but i feel like i'm just driving myself mad by trying so hard, spending what isn't there anymore. but i have to try, because i will go mad without working on art. it's as much of me as any other base faculty.
i just don't know which is worse, going crazy from frustration and heart break or from lack of artistic fulfillment in my life.
i've been depressed enough before to know that feeling of loosing care about life, and having to wind myself up just to do the most basic of things. how everything feels heavy when life's like that. even the most unimportant moment feels like an anvil in your gut. i've been starting to feel this way a lot the last couple months. just numb, blank and heavy. the only thing that's kept me from real depression again is coey. she's the only thing that keeps it in check. and i'm so grateful for her, and all she does for me; even the tiniest things. but i don't want to keep making her deal with this. and i don't want to remain like this. i want to regain what i once had. i want the passion and to love art, and feel the art that i'm doing again. it's the only thing missing in my life, and i lost it somehow.
if i knew how to get it back, i'd work myself to death to regain it. lacking effort or will's not the issue. i'm just lost as to what to do.
please, i don't want sympathy. i appreciate it, i really do, but it's the reason that until this 'art funk' i rarely posted anything so detailed about my personal problems. please don't complement me, or try to comfort that i'm 'so talented and i will get through this'. again, i'm grateful, but that's not what i need, or what would be good for me now.
what i'm writing this for, this time, is for help. for anything at all. i've long since exhausted all others i could turn to, and i don't want to keep pulling from and burdening them. i know that most suggestions i get will be things i've already tried multiple times, but i'm just at a complete loss. art is such a massive part of myself and my life. if i can't make art, then i've lost one of the few things that i felt purpose for in my life.
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Yikes. You make me feel all weird about drawing. Go to the art store, buy a media you've never tried before, a new sketchbook, and do something new. CCAD has the tendency to drain the fun out of art (making you do a bunch of stuff you don't want to do for free ew), and it sounds like you've straggled off onto the super not fun path. I get the same feelings like this constantly.
ReplyDeleteSo I just put on some good music and draw quick and messy and have fun. Clearly you just aren't having fun with it, so start doing that again. Paint on tinfoil or something weird. Anything to get you posting some more stuff, because now that I have no classes with you I can't just flip through your sketchbook. So quit holding back haha.
You always draw such tight drawings. That looks great, but it takes forever. You need a refresh, so get some ink and a brush, and whatever else you can get to put ink on paper and just go. Switching to ink will get all that erasing out of your system, and just keep up a pace. Don't question, just draw and if it turns out like crap, to be honest, no one is gonna care because we all know you can. You'll likely go back to the way you draw, but there will be an easiness to the process. I've done this so many times it's pretty ridiculous.
Anyhoo, that's my tip. Get away from what you normally do. Because at this point, it's nothing but boring work until you make it yours again.
try a new medium or new subject matter. maybe you just need something different to do.
ReplyDeleteI feel the same
ReplyDeleteYou know what, this thing, that you're feeling now, is perfectly normal. The sooner you realize that NOTHING in life ,that is worth having, is free, the sooner you will se that this is just another test for you to beat. You will always have to fight for things that really matter to you. The game is all about pushing through these moments when you doubt yourself ,no matter what. If making art really is as big a piece of you as you claim, you'll always find strength to push on through, ALWAYS. The minute you start doubting that you actually CAN push on through, thats when you start to loose.
ReplyDeleteTo give you some hard advise:
I feel like this ALOT. But since a while back I have started to see that those times are not curses but a way for your mind to tell you that something is not satisfying you in your work. It may be everything from not liking how you draw your noses to just being fucking fed up with your own style. What you need to do is either a.) Find out what it is or b.) take a complete break and do something else. Play videogames, watch vintage movies or take a long stroll or something, just dont draw AT ALL.
Good luck ,and remember that this is not supposed to be easy.
//Sume
What woke me up:
ReplyDeleteI am new here but, this issue is a beast that comes and goes frequently. I call it "The Splinter". It's not the Rat from Ninja Turtles but, a dark creature that holds on to what we really want to do thus, making everything else a sad imitation. Actually, it makes "ART" feel like "WORK" and makes the work feel like a chore.
I can only tell you what works for me when I get "The Splinter". But, 9 times of 10 "The Splinter" is brought on by stress. If your work and ideas are stressing you out, you can get a tape recorder and explain to yourself whats happening. Here are other things that I hope help:
STOP PURPOSE: Delete the idea of drawing for a purpose. Open a new part of yourself and get a sketch book labeled "The Dung Heap" fill it up with your stress sketches & ideas.
SENSORY RESET: No Inspiration, then create for close friends or family. Creating from anothers perspective with even a little dedication can work wonders for your own stuff.
SIMPLIFY: Create things that take no thought to do and do them because you want to. I created a PLATYPUS & FISH, GORILLA & BUTTERFLY & A DUCK AND A DUCK, To get "The Splinter" out one time.
LAST, TAKE SOME TIME TO LIVE: We are creators and we will always have that in our minds. I took you years to get to this point, even a year break is small in the grand scheme of things. Teaching someone also can remove"The Splinter.
First off, I don't think we have ever met. I graduated from CCAD in 09. For the last two years I was there... I hated it. I wanted to leave. It depressed me. I kept telling myself that art wasn't what I wanted to do; it was something I became infatuated with and I would never really be able to make a living off it. Everything I did was so formulaic and trite. I hated doing my assignments; I hated hearing that it was basically pointless to go into illustration. So after I graduated, I felt blank and went to Seattle to try and run away from it, and find something else to do. I was alone and depressed because I felt useless; I paid $80,000 to get an art education that I didn't appreciate. It took me six months to find a job that isn't REMOTELY related to art.
ReplyDeleteBut after pissing and moaning for six months, I realized that I was the problem. I didn't want to stick it out; doing the work doesn't come easily for me. That's the problem. I LOVE doing things that come easily to me. At first, art WAS really easy for me. But then, as cliche as it sounds, it is just more than talent.
Anyway, nice to meet you.
When I finally had the epiphany that I wanted to STILL make art and needed kind of an easy way to break my funk, I started doing silly, ridiculous things. I would just make illustrator pages FULL of color combinations that I liked. I would just have swatches full of colors that looked nice with each other. Master copies are always nice to paint, even if you just pick a little portion of one. I would just make a folder on my desktop and fill it with pictures that I liked from other artists and random google searches. I started reading a lot about random things. I started reading the Koran and the Bible.... helps your sense of humor to say the least. Also, pick up the book Art and Fear.
Good luck. :)