i'm afraid that the art problems i mentioned a while back have just gotten worse. every issue has remained, and grown all the more intense. as well as new problems.
it's gotten to the point the only thing which remains in me artistically is the raw desire to make art, artistic drive. i don't even find inspiration anymore. nothing interests me anymore, and ideas that excited and engaged me not long ago don't anymore. i still see art other people do that i wish i had done, things that i love. but when i sit down to work on something myself, nothing's there.
i have this sheet of scribbly thumbs that coey did for me, things that she would like to see me do, that she gave to me for possible ideas. i liked them all, and there were a handful that i was so thrilled to do, i couldn't wait to get to. now none of them hold my interest. neither do any of the ideas i wrote and drew thumbs for myself a while back.
i feel like all the feeling of my art has been drained. while i still long to draw and work-- GOD, fucking god, do i ever want to work again-- my inspiration's dead and i don't feel passionate about anything i work on anymore. i've been working on a particular thing for a couple weeks now, and while it's up to par skill-wise, and an idea that i did, and still do to a great deal, like, i felt nothing while doing it. it felt almost more like i was drawing it out of habit, or assignment that out of passion for art.
so that's what i mean by all that remains is the raw desire to make art. i want to. art is one of the biggest things in my life and one of the most precious parts to me. i still have that drive to draw. but that's all i've had for a while now.
i'm terrified.
because this has been going on for so long, it literally feels like the end of my art. as if i had a set amount of artistic juju to spend in my life and i ran out not long ago. pretty much everything i've completed in the last 3 months was something i started before this whole shit-storm. and the few exceptions to that are things that i don't really have much of a care for. i don't want to loose art. i don't want to give it up. but i feel like i'm just driving myself mad by trying so hard, spending what isn't there anymore. but i have to try, because i will go mad without working on art. it's as much of me as any other base faculty.
i just don't know which is worse, going crazy from frustration and heart break or from lack of artistic fulfillment in my life.
i've been depressed enough before to know that feeling of loosing care about life, and having to wind myself up just to do the most basic of things. how everything feels heavy when life's like that. even the most unimportant moment feels like an anvil in your gut. i've been starting to feel this way a lot the last couple months. just numb, blank and heavy. the only thing that's kept me from real depression again is coey. she's the only thing that keeps it in check. and i'm so grateful for her, and all she does for me; even the tiniest things. but i don't want to keep making her deal with this. and i don't want to remain like this. i want to regain what i once had. i want the passion and to love art, and feel the art that i'm doing again. it's the only thing missing in my life, and i lost it somehow.
if i knew how to get it back, i'd work myself to death to regain it. lacking effort or will's not the issue. i'm just lost as to what to do.
please, i don't want sympathy. i appreciate it, i really do, but it's the reason that until this 'art funk' i rarely posted anything so detailed about my personal problems. please don't complement me, or try to comfort that i'm 'so talented and i will get through this'. again, i'm grateful, but that's not what i need, or what would be good for me now.
what i'm writing this for, this time, is for help. for anything at all. i've long since exhausted all others i could turn to, and i don't want to keep pulling from and burdening them. i know that most suggestions i get will be things i've already tried multiple times, but i'm just at a complete loss. art is such a massive part of myself and my life. if i can't make art, then i've lost one of the few things that i felt purpose for in my life.
2009-10-28
2009-10-07
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